XY - there's just something missing...

female to male translation:
when a girl tells you that you "hurt my feelings", it is not wise to scoff and treat is as a silly thing not worth discussing.
because what it really means is "you thoroughly pissed me off by being a complete asshole and i'm having to reconsider every nice thing i ever thought about you, and you don't even appear to have noticed which makes me want to claw your eyes out and see if you'd notice that".

but we don't say it that way because we are attempting to resolve an issue, not start another fight.

ode to the other side of the desk

oh you people who look at me like i'm an idiot or a jerk for the questions and clarifications i ask of you.  perhaps you have not had the view of humanity provided by this desk.  perhaps you live in a world where people pay attention, mean what they say, understand implications, and are familiar with the delicate distinctions of intricate variations such as "out of ink", "paper jam", or "broken".  perhaps you did listen, and will not be confused or offended by the inevitable controversy of "ma'am, this machine doesn't work," and "sir, you are at the wrong machine."  and perhaps, if we are all very lucky, more people will be able to learn your ability to nod your head dismissively while simultaneously comprehending instructions.  but no, here you return, confused at why it didn't work.

to save us from ourselves

so the other day it suddenly became clear to me why people pair up and live their lives together.
sure there's all that talk about love and romance, and that's great.
but the real reason is to save us from doing those things that we find our selves doing when left to our own devices for too long...
we all have those little things we do when we're alone that we would /never/ do if there was anyone, anywhere around that might possibly catch us, but which seem fairly logical at the time. the longer you live alone, the more of these things you find yourself doing.  some of them turn into habits, and after a while we develop a form of 'solitary induced OCD' (which some people like to call 'independence' or 'a routine').
most of these are okay and just contribute to the adorable quirks that make you your own individual little snowflake .
but here and there are things that should raise a red flag in your brain that let's you know that you need to reign yourself in because there be the path that leads to crazy-cat-lady or creepy-relation status.
like the other day, when i couldn't find a clean plate...
and after checking the dish washer for the third time, hoping that they would magically be clean, i suddenly realized...
...if they'd been in there for weeks...
...and nothing had grown on them yet...
...then they must be clean enough...
and as i pulled out a plate to use, it struck me, *THIS IS A LOGIC DANGER ZONE*

i sat myself down, called my mother, and made her give me an intervention.  and shared with her my new theory.

application ack!

ack!  i am mortified!  why don't i check and edit things better!
i just realized that i have now sent out three applications in the college with errors on them!  nothing major or wrong... just not proper and complete looking...
and even more embarrassing is that i have people listed on there who have done so much to help me and agreed to back me and vouch for me and i didn't do them justice.
will i ever get the hang of this responsible adult thing?!?
maybe 'vouching for me' can include that i was in a state of distress and shock??? though i'm not sure that that is much better...
very much wanting to just crawl in a hole of shame
ugh. 
i just needed to get that out.  sometimes screaming into the ether helps.
thanks

so much for regularity - stress and blog therapy

so it's been a stressful couple of weeks
and since i promised that this wouldn't be a whiny or mopey blog, i have generally avoided it.
the short version is this: insurance sucks and i need a new job.
no, actaully, insurance is awesome, it's not having it that sucks.  and i love my job, but i need one that has benefits... which means i have to start being a real grownup again and get up for mornings.
**sadness and ultimate suffering**

BUT
in other, more amusing news...
this happened, in the library last night!

i know!  it's amazing!


also, i just finished reading "lets pretend this never happened" - the book written by the amazing, wonderful, fabulous, and epic jenny lawson, the bloggess, and it's amazing, in that way that only she can be.  i've read her blog for months now, it helps keep me sane... which could be considered ironic, but reading her blog and allie brosh at hyperbole and a half, is like getting group therapy!

so thanks ladies, for helping me get through!
(without ever even knowing it!  yes, you're that good!)

con artist

i just had a 10 year old looking kid try to con me, using his very deepest adult voice, that he was a 'college person' and needed a computer.
i've seen him in here a few times with his dad.  so i ask him, in my 'completely-taking-you-seriously' tone, if he has his id.
no, he's a new student and they haven't given him his college card yet.
i banter with him a bit and agree that if he went to card services and if they took his picture and if they gave him a student id, then yes, absolutely i would give him full access to anything he needed.
his dad comes out of the restroom and shuffles him off towards the door.  i'm pretty sure the kid is trying to convince his dad to take him by card services.
yeesh, they start young. :)  good luck to his dad, he's in for a long ride!

chasing help running in circles

i was hoping to write regularly, and i suppose that once a week can count a regular.
it's been a stressful week, both good and bad kinds of stress. i promised myself this wouldn't be an overly whiny blog, so i will keep it brief. but i'm dealing with some difficult stuff that i have realized is just beyond me and that i need to crawl outside of my little anxiety hole and ask for help... and i keep getting these circles:
(somewhat paraphrased, but not by much)
me: hi, i need some help with this
them: we don't really do that kind of help. what kind of problem are you having with it?
me: (attempted feeble explanation despite my sadness/confusion that they just said they can't help. maybe they know someone who can?)
them: so you're doing this yourself?
me: yes
them: and no one is helping you?
me: no
them: well since no one is helping you then you must not need any help. why are you wasting our time?
(at this point i get so flustered that i just apologize, excuse myself, and hang up)

this has happened three times... i think i'm somehow approaching this wrong.

bridge run, part 2 - survival

so i survived the bridge run with my sanity intact.
the preparations weren't as bad as last year. i have moved down stairs and to the back of the building and it's amazing how much difference that makes in sound proofing. even my little alarmist dog handled it better than expected. so yay for that, i actually got some sleep last night.
they were even kind enough to wait to start the music and loudspeaker commentary until 8am this morning, and with the extra sound proofing i was able to dose through that enough to make me have to hurry to get to my saturday work shift (as per usual).
i managed to wade through the meeting street crowd without too much incident. but then... i had forgotten that king street is also a blocked off part of the running track/course/whateveryoucallit. i was afraid i would have to turn around and find some way to walk to the library around the runners area, which would have had me wandering all over town. but the traffic cop at the road block said that since i was on foot i could run across. this was rather daunting since i don't run, due to a leg injury, and because there were a damn lot of people running by. i somehow managed to frogger-scampered my way across the river of marathon runners. i did have one minor collision, but no one ended up on the ground to be trampled and make a pile of domino-runners, so i call it a win.

formatting issues and old things

sidenote: i wish there was some way of making older posts now show up without actually deleting them... i don't want to see them, because they are old, but i have this irrational fear of getting rid of things, you know, 'just in case'...

EDIT: i tried changing how many days show up, but for some reason it only made a difference if i put it at1 day.

cooper river bridge run

so yesterday...
my alarm clock has been retarded, so i havn't been getting up like i should, until poor eli has held it as long as he can, and starts whining and yowling and nose pushing and licking me in the face until i'm finally cogent enough to roll out of bed and groggily take him outside.
by then it was passing noon thirty and i had to be at work at one, which meant i had no time for shower or breakfast. so i did abbreviated morning ablutions, poured a handful of peanuts and started my walk to work.
the annual cooper river bridge run is this weekend, and traffic was already getting crazy and there were already traffic police on all the corners attempting to direct the crazy. thank all the gods that i walk because driving in downtown charleston is surely one of the seven layers of hell.
this time last year i swore that i would flee the city during the bridge run. there are many festivals in charleston, but this one has a direct effect on my life... the finish line is directly outside my building. so along with the roads all being closed, my driveway being gated in, and the massive cheering crowds that line the street, the worst part by far is that they begin construction on the big finish line structure and gates at 11pm the night before. and when finally they finish with the tnk! tnk! and whir! whir! and clang! clang!, at about 6am they start the thumping sports stadium pump you up pop music at about a gagillion decibels, and the emcee with a megaphone loud enough to reach the entire city. which is awesome...
but as it turns out, i agreed to swap a saturday shift with someone, so i had to work that morning, which means i couldn't leave because then i wouldn't be able to get back.
i think it was a conspiracy.
so anyway... after a dull day at the library, i went back home and prepared for a sleepless night by taking a nap, ordered jimmy johns, and rewatched some more 'game of thrones' - (meep! count down to season two!)


EDIT: here is a picture i took last year to prove how close the loudness was to my living space - see that awning? that's the shop i live over. so see, it's practically in my bedroom

so, i would like to start writing again...

so, i would like to start writing again...
i say this about once a year, and then rarely get past the post where i say that.
or if i do, it invariably just turns into me whining, and who wants that?
so maybe i need to force myself to write happy things
maybe if i do that i'll be less whiny in general
also, i really need some way of accounting for myself, since i'm not all that responsible or 'together'
so this may not be interesting, just a daily account to keep track of myself, which will maybe make me more aware of myself and all my wasted time and bad eating habits and such
and i should force myself to write down something pretty or funny or good every day so that i will focus on a positive life attitude
and they won't be interesting or useful at first... but i really just need to get into the habit
and maybe they don't need to be long and thought provoking... maybe just a bunch of short random thoughts as they come to me
tra!

EDIT:
for many of the above reasons, i recommend not reading the posts prior to this one.

mid summer 2010

life has ended
and it has begun again
yet again

i was asked recently: has your life gone through any changes in the past three years?
it was all i could do to stop laughing. and then, how to explain the past three without the past five, six, or seven. (my god, has it been seven? 2003-2010...hm...)
needless to say, i didn't make it up to the current time before the conversation derailed.

current time:
-no longer moving to texas, and all that would come with it.
-have found a faith and a people that i love and feel a part of for the first time. which, oddly enough, is equal parts elating and nervewracking.
-on track to finally graduate in december.
-discovered that the graduate program i want is offered in my home city, Charleston.

spring 2010

a brief accounting:
i have survived this semester fairly well. i finished everything on time for the first time in my life i think. registered for full time for summer semester... ready to get this done!
i've gone back to being a history major, but now with a business administration minor. it adds one more semester to the timeline, but i think i can live with more self respect with this degree and i think it will get me closer to where i want to be.
still working on plans to move to dallas with saeed. he'll have to move this summer, but i'll have to wait a few months, at least til the middle of the semseter, and then fly back for exams.
also trying to help mom with the big move now that they are finally selling the house and getting on with the plan to live between merritt island and the lake. i've been going through all my stuff that i've let pile up in their attic over the years, trying to consolidate.

@tillieblitz

i posted this in response to someone else's post on another blog:

@tillieblitz
These books were given to me in much the same way. In 2003 when the oncology ward had been my second home for a while, my mother gave them to me.
An avid reader all my life, I had always flatly refused to read series books before. I didn’t want to be tied down to a single story for too long, it made me feel like I was getting behind on everything else there was to read. However, now the world had stopped and since I couldn’t leave the bed (the cancer had also made me crippled), there wasn’t much else I /could/ do. So I from my bed I lived vicariously through my books. (or rather, more than I did before).
Isn’t it amazing how much more vivid books seem when your body is processing large amounts of poisonous drugs? These characters /were/ my life. (not that I recommend it, this is a comment on the bizarre, /not/ a suggestion!)
I can also track the progress of my “chemo brain” by the books in this series: the outlander and dragonfly I remember completely in detail as I used to with all books, voyager I remember a basic outline, drums and fiery cross I have only a few scenes and a general blur.
I don’t know what else you normally read or your “authors I liked”, but some of the other series’ that I read at that time were Mary Stewarts, “Merlin” books (my actual first series), Jack Whyte’s “Camulod” books, and Peter David’s “Sir Apropos” books (these truly appeal to the absurdist side of living with illness - the second and third, I didn’t like the first so much).
I am truly sorry that you’ve had a recurrence - keep reading, keep fighting.
Take care of your mind while your body is fighting.
~Lisa
Ps. I would have reached you personally but couldn’t find how. Since I felt the need to write, I decided this is where it would have to be.
Diana, sorry/thanks for borrowing space.

moving on

two weeks notice in!

back to school full time!

8 more classes to undergrad...